Hello,
It’s been some time since I’ve felt capable of returning to this platform in sufficient mental stature. Introspection is a grim isle along the path to insanity. Insanity is not doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. It is to be human and pretend you are not.
Are you a pretender? I am.
It truly is a nightmare to be human, isn’t it? Drudging through each miserable day, agonized by each breath of ambiguity. Simply waiting for the next tractable accident to blow along and swaddle your existence in fanciful warmth, like cinnamon shavings imprisoning your essence in a meniscus of fire. I find myself often casting wishes into the afternoon gloam, like thin reels made of hopes and dreams, thin and serene as the wings of Michelangelo’s angels. And do they ever fly true? No. They never have, and I dare say they never will.
I struggle to impart what it is exactly that I am feeling. I will just have to depend on you, the reader, to understand me as a fellow human. If you don’t, it doesn’t matter. But if you do, then you are aware of the horrors of persistent life. I know there are a few of you out there. It feels as though I am a delicate dandelion, suitable not for the world’s torment, and yet there blows not even the faintest of breeze to emancipate my umbra. I am doomed to remain attached to a form I cannot identify with. This is insanity. When you comprehend that you are in fact human and can do nothing to change it. The product of humans is sold separately from felicity. And we have no choice in the initial purchase.
Try as I might, just as the mightiest of heroes have before me, human consciousness derives only a twinge of shivering cataclysm. And the only antidote is sustained depression. Happiness serves only as a reminder that late in the twilight of cranial fogs, disaster will once more snuggle itself cozily into the crevices of my loathsome continuance, like a bleeding sow seeking final respite amongst slaughter farms. And to make certain these emotions persist; I ensure to subliminally remind myself of how deeply my misery affects those I care about. This is where the stakes become achingly evil. When I stare through the windows of the psyches I love and comprehend that my suffering is contagious. I cause worry, pain, anger, and uncertainty. To possess this level of awareness truly is something foreign to life and its inhabitants. So often do we focus on physical disease, whilst being ignorant of mental ailments. It is unequivocally unnatural to linger in the expanses of enlightened reality.
And still, I can take you one step deeper. To a place of callous apathy. A dwelling assuredly not too far from the gates of hell. Where you have exhausted your tokens of sympathy and every desperate plea you file, seems a cry of wolf. This is the place. A destination of reciprocals. Positivity and glee hold no seat at gods right hand here. You must transform into some suitable specter that resembles humankind, to refrain from frightening those still enslaved to the human condition. All the while remaining a human. The most nefarious undertaking any being can endure. You will comprehend that your sapiens heritage clings to decaying skin, but you must metamorphose behind a crooked smile. Fangs gleaming and eyes sparkling, so the predators around catch a glimpse of your now only symbolic ancestry. You are consciously human no more but lie entombed for years to come. Awaiting completion in scarlet sheen.
It is commonly cited that a smile can positively affect the neural chemistry of a human. But oh, the sweet bluff a smile can simulate for a revenant. Remember this the next time you witness others bare their lips and teeth.
Dan
