Hello,
I’d like to open this post by letting you know, it is everywhere. There’s not much structure in today’s thoughts.
I’ve been highly susceptible to seasonal depression since my early teenage years. I have no reasonable explanation for why it creeps up on me. It just sort of shows up and makes itself right at home. I recognize its arrival by gauging my yearning for love. I am fine pretty much any other time of the year, but winter has its way of making me feel uneasy. I always seek relationships between the months of November-February. I’m sure from the outside looking in it seems I am a freak, but there is still some sort of structure I hold on to in my life. I just haven’t been able to find anyone who also enjoys the foundations of said structure. Albeit an intricate, disconnected, and unconventional structure, it’s quite comfortable. I am a very lovable human being and I’d say that’s probably my best character trait. But unfortunately, this lifetime isn’t predicated on love. Especially for a man nearing his late twenties. And it typically isn’t something most people value. They can all say it is, but I’m not stupid. I can read eyes very well. Your voice says one thing, but your eyes illustrate so much less of a beautiful portrait. But I’ll keep being me. No matter how difficult it makes my life. I’m sure I will learn to love it someday.
Let’s be real here. I’m 26 years old. Have no career. No love interest. No friends. I am a highly social and extroverted person in most public situations, but it quenches no flame in my brain. There are plenty of people I call acquaintances, yet none of them I would consider friends. A great flaw of mine is that I am very upfront and honest about who I am as a person. I wear no mask to the masquerade. I’ll tell you exactly who I’ve had a crush on in the past month. What I like most about that person. Why I’m attracted to them. My personal issues with past traumas and arising issues. What embarrasses me. Anything. (Of course, I am still human and am making the great assumption that anyone would be interested in me enough to even wonder about my personal thoughts. And even if they don’t, I still just throw them out there. I have no clue why. It just feels wrong to portray Dan as a perfect god when I certainly am not even close. I think what really throws people off about me is my physical appearance. My personality does not match my body in the slightest bit. I’m well groomed, dress nicely, and walk with purpose. I’ve been told I come off as snobby, unapproachable, and callous. But that couldn’t be any further from the truth. I’m a personable and gentle person. Life has humbled me in many ways. If only I had the heart to change myself for the worse and become that person everyone thinks I am. I’d probably be more successful. Humans tend to love a fraud. But regretfully, I’m incapable of making such alterations.) And it gets me hurt almost 100% of the time in every social aspect of my life. I am incapable of pretending to be something I am not. Life really isn’t well suited for honesty. Most individuals are so on edge about every little thing that you can never truly connect with them. If you’re real, it’s instantly a red flag. It’s such a sad process of life most of us choose to follow. And knowing this, I have so many difficulties bonding with anyone. I am always questioning if people love me for me, or are just interested in my physical looks and possessions. There was a time in my life when I had many close friends, and I was as fake as they came. At the time, I was playing so many different characters that I couldn’t have told you, Dan, from the devil. What more do you need to hear from me?
Even with this being my situation, I still possess a great drive to succeed in achieving my dreams. I went back to college to pursue a career in engineering because I felt my brain wasn’t suited for typical busy work. And it honestly isn’t. I need complex problems to serve as substitutes for my existentialism. It’s the only way for me to function. So God please bless my bank account, keep me vigilant, fortify my neural pathways, and let this be the correct path for my life. I can’t afford any more mistakes when it comes to my career. I’m all in here. And I need you and anyone who will join me on the journey.
I’ll tell you a story about something that happened this past Wednesday. I went to my barber for a haircut. We got to talking and there was another woman sitting close by, waiting for her highlights to stain her hair. Naturally, me being a chatterbox, I drew up a crowd in the salon, and before I knew it there were several women occupying the space around my chair alongside my barber. I guess they were attracted by the energy I was giving off. Anyways. We all get to talking and the subject of age and careers comes up.
“How old are you Dan?”
“I’m 26.”
“What do you do for a living?”
Before I could answer, my barber says, “Yeah Dan, tell them what you do for a living and how many degrees you have! He can’t get a job, can’t get a girlfriend!”
He also without failure, on every occasion possible, tells anyone else in our conversations that I am, “smarter than I look.” Thanks for that. LOL.
Now, this was all said in a joking manner so it didn’t offend me at all. I laughed and told them my educational and professional background and watched as they pretended to be so enamored with me. The reality is that I was just a pretty plaything to look at and dissect in a predominately feminine space. Although, I did emerge with a very nice, classic haircut if I am allowed to say so myself. But I just wanted to share that story because it happens so often. And it always stings a tiny bit because it’s partially true. I could go out and get any well-paying finance job and date a random woman that would use me for all I have, but I’m pleased to relay to you that that does not interest me. I’m in search of happiness and fulfillment here. Not social status. Surely I’ll find someone along this path to share life with. And if I do, it’ll be cool to show them these posts. All of the thoughts I had on my way to finding them.
And hey, even if I end up being alone the rest of my life, that’ll be just fine too. I hope life doesn’t roll me that dice, but if it does, I’ll adapt. It’s what we humans were designed for.
Now I’d like to switch focus to my passion! The one thing that has been keeping me sane. My paintings. I love painting so much. Everything I do gives me an idea of something to paint. Now I don’t exactly have the most money on hand at the moment, but I find alternatives to satisfy my addiction. If I can’t get a nice canvas to paint on, I’ll draw on paper, cardboard, and anything else I can. I recently started using charcoal to draw with and I’m loving it. It gives me a similar feeling to oil painting. I also got a Kakuno fountain pen for Christmas that I have been obsessed with. I bought a little sketchbook that I only draw in with the Kakuno pen. It’s given me a lot of fun painting ideas for the future when I am able to afford more canvas. There was a girl this past semester that I really liked, (who I asked on several dates, made plans with, and was ghosted by, multiple times) who has been the source of many great ideas recently. I hold nothing against her and honestly would still go out with her if she ever reached back out. She has a wonderful energy about her. It’s like a natural gravitic pull for me. But alas, here I am writing about her, and not with her. But I do have to thank her for all of the amazing thoughts that have derived from her social absence. It made me lean into my artwork that much more.
Welp, that’s about all I want to talk about today. I don’t have a painting I’m comfortable with sharing today, but there will be a lot of them on the way. Just give me some time. I give a piece of myself to each and every one of them, so it can be hard to share them sometimes. I had an offer this past week for two of my oil paintings, which initially made me very excited. But the more I think about it, the less I want to let go of them. For any amount of money. I feel I haven’t had enough time with them yet. But we’ll see what happens. I’d really like to have an art show and display all of them together. So that they can all be appreciated at the same time. Maybe if that ever happens, I’ll feel ok with letting them go.
A song I’ve had on repeat this past month is “Fake as Fu@k” by the Red Hot Chili peppers.
Thanks for visiting.
Dan
