Disgust

Hello,

I’ve had a rough week.

This time I’m not going to be using big words or complex sentences. I’m going to vent my thoughts. The universe knows I am desperate to rid myself of these torturous feelings.

A month ago, I launched this website and never looked back. It took a few months to organize and some courage on my part to make the jump. And in this past month, every week has been decent. My worries have been kept at bay and nothing has really set me off. Until Wednesday.

For whatever reason, I began feeling a little down this past Monday. Maybe I’ve been spending too much time alone, but I’m typically good at combatting solitude. I paint, read, clean, go to school, do homework, work, visit my parents, get eight hours of sleep per night, you get the idea. A healthy schedule. It crept up on me though. Surely my readers can relate to this. One day you’re fine, dare I say even great, and the next you’re so low. Dread has a way of surprising you. Relationships are supposed to be kept fresh so that one or both partners don’t lose interest, right? We all know how hard that is to do. Well, listen to this. If you ever get your heart broken, take solace in the fact that dread has a special way of bewildering you every single time! For me, dread is a better alternative to emptiness. Some EXTRA wise words from the amazing Dan, straight to your brain. Because we all know my philosophies are teeming with positivity and wisdom.

Anyways, let’s get on with it. Wednesday.

For all of us, and you cannot convince me otherwise, we have that one thing that sets us off. That one thing that has a unique way of crawling under our skin. It’s a personified urn of yet-to-be scorched incinerate. Nothing more, and nothing less. You direct so much effort to block it out of your mind and eventually convince yourself that you can overcome it. You move on with your life and discover bigger and better things. But that sting never really goes away. It’s easy to convince yourself it’s gone, but when provoked, it all comes flooding back. None of the good in my case, only the bad. The disgust with my past decisions is more frightening than any terror to ever be invoked by devils or malicious sprites.

I’m not a petty person by nature so you’ll never really know what exactly it is that I am talking about. But just know I was blasted off into a depressive vacuum by a certain anomaly. It hit me dead in the bowels of my soul.

Now, recall that in my “about” section of this website, I noted that That’s Mind would be the most honest account of human life you ever read. I meant what I said, but still, there are some things that cannot be recorded here. It is my intent to be as honest with you as I possibly can be but remember that every person has their secrets. Especially those who claim to not. If you ever meet me in person, however, I’m pretty much an open book so ask away. Anything at all.

Enough reflecting, I know. So, coming full circle, an unfortunate event occurred, slung me into a downward slope, and I was left accompanied by a vividly harsh reality.

I am not suitably dealing with my past trauma. I’ve been convincing myself that there’s nothing I can’t get over. But that’s a lie. In fact, I’m not even sure if I can get over the smallest humps of life. Now don’t get all cold on me and start thinking to yourself, “stop searching for guilt and just get over it. It could always be worse.” We are all humans reading this and experience grief differently. And I’ll just say it here on behalf of everyone, telling someone, “It could always be worse,” is unironically the worst thing you can say to someone in pain.

The moral of all these words I’ve just spewed out is this. Stop trying to assure yourself that your problems are minuscule and unworthy of your tender care and self-love. No matter how big or small they may seem, anything can snowball into an avalanche. Don’t let it get to that point like me. Because then you’re forced to uproot the beautiful mental camp you’ve set up, just to survive the downfall of one small, snowballed thought or event. I’m going to use a metaphor here to explain what I mean.

There’s a huge snow-strewn mountain not far off in the distance. There are also countless avalanche warning signs everywhere you turn. These signs are your small problems. You know they are always there but do not heed their warnings. They don’t seem real at this point because societal illusions have clouded your judgment. You hike closer and closer to the magnificent mountain every day. Until eventually you find a spot to camp. It has a view to die for. Literally. You unpack all your things and set up shelter. You have reached a personal milestone and feel you can now rest a while. But remember all those signs you’ve ignored? All those small problems didn’t mean much at the beginning of the journey. Now they begin to stack and create an avalanche. In response, you must leave your beautiful view and everything you’ve set up, just to survive. You will lose it all. Had you tended to your smallest issues when they arose, you may have found a spot just as or even more beautiful than this one with no risk of collapse.

That’s my story this week. Man did that feel good to get out. Like what I imagine an exorcism must feel like. Even though this week has been hard, I’m glad I was able to learn something from it. I need to stop ignoring my issues and manage them sincerely.

Be good to yourselves.

I love you all.

Dan

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